Delia's Folly
by WickerB
Summary: Set in ITHOFTG. Delia has a crush on someone, and gets a very rude awakening...(Finished!)
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: I seriously doubt Delia's anything like this, but I wanted to have a bit of fun with this idea. Hope you enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own The Song of the Lioness series. It wouldn't have been near as good if I owned it. For starters, I might have actually put this in.

Delia of Eldorne fussed with her hair, wanting to look as pretty as possible for the day, or rather, a special someone. The one person who made her swoon (in secret, of course), and filled her daydreams. Today was the day she had resolved to reveal her affections for her one true love-

Alan of Trebond.

As far as Delia was concerned, Jon and Roger could both screw off. She only had to court Jon because of Roger's plan, and she didn't much like how Roger seemed to want to kill Alan. She had begged him out of it, but you could never know with Roger. He was a scheming little – nevermind.

Alright, Delia had to admit that Alan was a bit younger than her. And short. And reluctant to meet ladies. And he didn't seem to like Delia that much, but she pretended that he did. The fact that he avoided her like the plague didn't quite register to her.

Today was the day of Alan's Ordeal. He would be a knight, and she would try to court him. It wasn't considered well for a lady to court a man, but Delia was too beautiful to follow the norm. Oh no, nobody messed with the Queen of Gossip herself!

Delia strode elegantly out of her room and headed to the Chapel of the Ordeal. When she arrived, she found it was empty. 

"Fuck! I missed it!" she swore, and spun on her heel to head to the Knighting Hall. 

She got there just in time to see the people applauding a bashful looking Alan. _He's been knighted! I knew he'd do it!_ Delia watched as Alan's twin brother stepped out, introduced himself, and presented Alan with his shield. Personally, she thought Dom or whatever his name was had nothing on Alan. 

When Ron (or was it Kom?) started to lead Alan to his rooms, Delia followed in true stalker fashion. She planned to corner Alan (though she didn't consciously know she was doing this so he wouldn't be able to flee for his life). But suddenly she was sidetracked.

"De-liii-ahhahhh!" came the voice of a twit behind her. " I haven't talked to aa-yoouuu in a looooonnng time! What's new, gurrrrrrlfriend?" And Delia was dragged off by another buffle brained court lady. 

When she was finally able to break free, Alan was at the banquet hall. He had something in his hands, something that looked strangely familiar.

"Majesty, I have done a dishonourable thing," Alan stated. Delia sighed. _He looks so good in that outfit!_ "I broke into a man's chambers tonight." _ Why not mine?_ "I knew this was dishonourable, and I did it anyway." _If you squint, he looks like he's got a halo_. "What _I_ did was wrong." _Is there something in my teeth?_ "What I thought to find – what I _did_ find – was far worse." Alan of Trebond placed a bundle of wax image dolls of everyone that was important on the table, along with a veil. _Ohmigods! Roger has a bunch of dolls just like those!_ Alan looked over at Duke Roger. "Shall I tell them where I found these, Your Grace? Shall I tell them about the little fountain in your private workroom where the Queen's image lay under running water, wasting away little by little? Shall I-"

Then Delia realized exactly what was going on here. "Shit." As it was decided that Alan and Roger would have a duel to either prove or deny Duke Roger's treason, she quickly tried to decide who to root for.

__

I think I'll vote for Alan. But then again, Duke Roger let me into his plot to kill the Royal family. But then again, I love Alan. But then again, Roger would kill that little prick Jonathan. But then again, he'd probably kill Alan too. But then again-

The duel had started an hour after Delia had given up on who to root for. She watched anxiously as they exchanged blows, their swords clinging and ringing every time they met. Delia thought it looked quite fun, but had a hard time following the moves. 

Suddenly, Roger's sword cut through Alan's shirt, and something underneath that looked oddly like – a _corset_? Delia's eyes went as big as her butt in astonishment as the corset fell on the ground and Alan's chest showed through, revealing that he was not a boy.

"Halt! _What is going on here_?" the King roared as the crowd began to whisper in shock. Then Ylon (or whatever that guy's name was!) came forward and told them of his twin 'sister' and how she disguised herself to become a knight. 

Delia didn't need that explanation, though. _Alan's a-a **girl! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!**_ Delia ran out of the hall as fast as she could and took haven in what the Court ladies had dubbed 'The Weeping Room'. It was self-explanatory in title, and that's what Delia had gone there to do.

"I *****sniff* can't believe it! I fell in love with *sniff* a girl! WAAHHHHH!!!!" Delia beat her fists on the wall, but that hurt too much, so she tugged on her dark hair instead. 

Suddenly her pity party was disturbed by the arrival of half of the other unmarried Court ladies, all weeping and wailing.

Delia blinked. "What are you all doing here!?"

One of them spoke up. "We were all in love with Alan! And now he's a girl!" All of them cried loudly when she had finished her sentence. Delia saw an opportunity to get revenge, and more power for hersel- er – Roger.

"Listen up! All of you!" Everyone paid attention. "We have all been tricked by Alan, who led us all on!"

"Yeah!"

"He led us on!"

"That's right!"

"Therefore," Delia continued, "We should get revenge! Join me, and together we shall stomp that little piece of shit!"

"Yeah!"

"Piece o' shit, alrigh'!"

"We'll step all over that shit!"

"Smear it, too!"

Delia smirked. "And now, since you all agree with me, there is a little alliance that I would like you to-" Delia was cut off once more by the other half of the Court ladies rushing into the room, all bawling their eyes out.

"What now!?" Delia barked.

"Roger's dead! And we all loved him!" and those ladies dissolved into tears.

_Damn!_ Delia thought. _There goes Plan B!_

R&R


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Notes: I was just going to leave it as it was, but then I got an idea for 1 or 2 more chapters. This one probably isn't as good as the first one, but oh well!

Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Alanna, Delia, Thom, Roger, Jon, or anyone else who may appear in this story.

Delia of Eldorne had finally convinced the Court ladies to join her in getting revenge on Alan – no, wait – Alianne – that's not right either…

Anyway, they were going to find that guy – GIRL! that had posed as a guy to get his shield. They all had their torches and pitchforks, of which they had to drag along beside them because they were very heavy. They stormed into the hallway and knocked on Alan's door. There was no answer.

"Alright, girls! Let's break the door down!" Delia yelled encouragingly. 

"Yeah!"

"Break it down, alright!"

"Break down him!"

"And his cat too!"

And so they swung a torch at the door. Instead of breaking down, it lit on fire.

"Fire! Fire! Fire!" They all screamed, running around in circles. They picked up Delia and threw her at the fire to douse it.

"AHHHHHH! YOU IDIOTS!" Delia screeched. She jumped out and rolled on the floor. "GET IT OFF ME! GET IT OFF ME!" Surprisingly, the door had already been turned to ashes, and there was no fire on Delia at all. Just a lot of soot.

"The fire's gone, Lady Delia!" said a random Court lady. "You've saved us!"

"I did?" Delia saw the soot. "You're right! I did save you!" All the girls group hugged Delia, who looked quite pleased with herself.

"What in the name of Mithros is going on here?" All of them turned around to see Prince Jon. _Oh crappy day!_ Delia thought.

"We – ahem – wanted to congratulate Sir Al – er – um – your former squire!" Delia lied deceitfully.

"Yeah!"

"Congratulate indeed!"

"We'll congratulate him with our pitchforks!"

"QUIET, YOU TOAD HEADS!" Delia barked, and they all shut up.

Prince Jon raised an eyebrow. "Pitchforks? And torches?"

"It's a – a – CARTHAKI TRADITION! Yes, that's it!" Delia exclaimed. _Ha! Got him fooled!_

"But you aren't Carthaki," Prince Jon pointed out. "And you're all covered in soot. And Alanna's door is burnt down." Jon crossed his arms. "I'm not stupid you know."

_Damn! Outwitted again!_ Delia thought. _But I won't let him win!_ "Yes you are!" she said sweetly. "We just wanted to bring a little culture to the palace. Could you tell us where Alanna is?"

"Alanna?" Raoul said, approaching them. "She's in the stables."

"Alright, girls!" Delia yelled, "Let's get her!" 

"YEAH!" the Court ladies agreed. And they ran off to follow Raoul's lead.

When they arrived at the stables, there was no Alanna in sight. "Search the place!" Delia commanded, and they all jumped to do her bidding. _Just look at them following my orders!_ Delia gushed, _I'd make a good queen!_ She then flew off into fantasies of being queen and redecorating the noble's wing. It was so 300 H.E.!

"Get out of my stables!" yelled a rather pissed Stefan. "Out! Now!" The girls got frightened and fled the stables, still dragging their weapons.

Delia was quite frustrated by now and she was willing to take desperate measures for her cause. "Where the fuck is she?"

"Alanna?" Gary queried, popping his head out of a window. "She left for the desert already."

"WHAT!?" Delia boomed. "This is so not fair! I want re – *sniffle* - veeeeeennnnggeeeeeee!" Delia burst into tears. The Court ladies followed suit.

"What'll we do now?" they complained.

"I have an idea," Delia said dramatically. "Since Alan turned out to be a girl, and Roger's dead, we'll turn our affections to the next best thing-" The ladies looked up at her with awe. "-Alan's twin!"

"Hooray! Hooray!" they chorused, and they all piled inside to find their next victim.

Sometime later, Delia was stalking an exasperated Thom, as it was her new hobby. He, unlike Alanna, was completely aware of these actions.

"I swear, if I turn around and see one more lady following me, I'll blast you all to smithereens!" he yelled.

"Following?" Delia said, putting on her best clueless face, "What makes you think that?"

"Because you stalk me all the time, and if I had a copper noble for all the times my spare loincloths have been stolen, I'd buy Tortall!"

"You'd have 5630 copper nobles!" Delia said triumphantly, then she realized her mistake. "I mean, that's what I heard…"

Thom rolled his eyes. "What do I have to do to get rid of you all?!"

Delia got a plan just then. _I know! I'll get him to bring back Roger from the dead, then I'll get Roger to turn Alanna into a boy! It's perfect!_ "Bring Roger back from the dead!"

"Do I look like an idiot to you?!" Thom scolded.

"Now that you mention it-"

"No! It's a rhetorical question!"

"Re-tor-e-cle?" Delia sounded out, confused.

"ARRGGHH! Never mind!" Thom stomped off. _Damn!_ Delia thought, and she ran after him.

"Leave me ALONE!" Thom yelled.

"But you didn't grant me my wish!"

"FUCK OFF!"

"You have to! I order you to!" Delia stomped her foot for emphasis.

"No. I won't bring back Roger from the dead, or turn Alanna into a boy, or any other stupid idea you come up with."

"Saaayyyyy!" Delia exclaimed, "that's a good idea! I **should** get you to turn Alanna into a boy! That way, we won't need Roger!"

"_We_?" Thom asked.

"Me and the other ladies, of course!" Delia giggled. "Will you?"

"No." Thom attempted to get away again, but Delia dropped down and hugged his ankles.

"Don't leave me!" she wailed.

"Why shouldn't I?" Thom demanded.

"If you don't do this for me, all the Court ladies will follow you around for the rest of your life," Delia taunted, "and I could get the Queen to arrange a marriage-"

"NOOOOOOOO!" Thom yelled, trying desperately to run away, but Delia had him trapped.

"Ha! I got you now! There's no escape!" Delia cackled. Thom stopped struggling and gave up.

"Fine, already! I'll do it! Just leave me alone!" Thom told her. Delia nodded and let him go. "And that goes for all of you, too!"

"Awwwwww…" said the Court ladies as they came out of their hiding places. 

Delia skipped along behind them. _I got my wa-ay! I got my wa-ay! Hehehehe!_ she thought giddily.

I have an important author's note! I will not be updating for a long time because Lent is coming, and I vowed to give up the internet. So therefore, I cannot update. On the plus side, I did this so I could fully write out my stories, so I should have a bunch of chapters to put up once Lent is over at Easter. Sorry, guys!


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Notes: I'm baaccccckkkkkkk!!!!! Here's another chapter to feed your brains. I hope you enjoy!

Disclaimer: I'm not inventive enough to think up the Tamora Pierce books, so naturally I don't own them.

Thom finally got around to making the spell, much to the delight of Delia. She was so happy that she felt like bursting at any moment. Not that anyone would mind if she did.

As soon as he had finished reciting the blasted thing, lightning flashed and Delia squealed like a sow. "Wuss," Thom muttered under his breath. 

Suddenly, in Duke Roger's tomb, something thudded against the door. "Fwett me fwout!" came a muffled (and rather irritated) cry from the inside. "Fwett me fwout, foo moffer fucking fwasterds!" Thom rolled his eyes and opened the door for the Duke of Conté, who strode out with a glare.

"Took you long enough," he said, then spotted Thom. "What the-"

"I got him to take you back from the dead!" Delia gushed, pushing herself into Roger's view. "Aren't I smart?"

"Delia, he's our enemy! What were you thinking?!" Roger yelled. 

"Well, he agreed to it, didn't he? And now that you're here, it shouldn't matter! It's not like he'll tell his sister or that he has any control over you!" Roger shook his head in shame, which confused Delia. "What? He doesn't!…Does he?"

"Never mind, you twit." Roger turned to Thom. "Why exactly did you resurrect me? I'm not in any state to give you money, you know."

"She threatened me!" Thom said, pointing to Delia, "She's got the all the Court ladies stalking my every move, stealing my loin clothes and saving bits of dirt I've stepped on. It's maddening, I tell you!" Delia smiled sweetly while Roger shook his head yet again.

"You have the oddest ways of bribing people," the Duke said. 

"Only for you!" Delia sucked up. Thom suddenly spotted something amiss about the Duke.

"Mithros! There's where Alanna stabbed you!" Thom said, pointing to a gaping hole in Roger's chest. Roger looked down at it and swore. "You'll have to fix that."

"A large tunic will have to do. Do you have any spares with you?" he asked. Delia happened to look at a statue and spotted one of the Court ladies hiding there.

Delia snapped her fingers. "Oh yeah!" she giggled (receiving a glare from both the men). She cleared her throat and shouted, "GIRRRLLSSSS! ROGER'S HERE!"

Instantly what could have been mistaken for a stampede of elephants sounded and the whole Court female population tackled Roger to the ground. Thom laughed his head off at the evil Duke's plight.

"What's so funny?" Delia asked.

"He's gone from one hell to another!" Thom cackled, then walked off, still chuckling to himself. Delia tried vainly to get the Duke's attention.

"Duke Roger! Now that you're here, can you-"

"HEEEEEELLLLLPPPPP!" cried the Duke.

Delia pouted and stomped off. "You're no good," she muttered.

Once the Duke was finally free of the onslaught of estrogen, Delia managed to start her begging.

"Puuuuuhhhh-lease!?!?!?!? I'm asking you nicely!" Delia protested.

"No, you feather brained twit! I'm going to **kill** Alanna, not change her into a boy!"

"Why are you so me-eeeaaan to mee—eeeeeeee? WAAA-" Delia started bawling, but soon Roger clamped his mouth over her lip paint caked mouth.

"Don't you start that again. You know how much it irritates me, and anyone else within a 10 day's travel radius!" he hissed, taking his hand off her and wiping off the lip paint on his pants, disgusted. "Is all that paint _really_ necessary? Your lips are the exact same colour as that goop you slap on them." Delia paid no attention to his last remark.

"Ra-dee-ous?" she repeated methodically.

"Never mind. You need an education to understand it. Do you know what is?" he seethed.

"I _think_ so…" Before Roger could continue humiliating Delia, Alex burst into the room.

He bowed deeply. "My Lord! I have missed you so much! I heard of your resurrection, and I-"

"Get out, you butt-kisser! You're not wanted here!" Delia shouted, throwing a vase at Alex (it hit 6 feet away from her target).

"Butt-kisser! I'm not the one who blew Ambassador Mikal so I could have his horse!"

"It wasn't Mikal, it was Dain of Melor!" Delia realized her mistake. "I mean – that's a lie!" She stuck her nose in the air and turned around, flipping her hair in Alex's face. "Roger, tell him to get out." When nothing happened, she whirled around again. "Roger?"

The Duke of Conté had left in aggravation. Alex and Delia were alone in the room. And glaring at each other.

"Butt-kisser!"

"Dain-blower!"

"Teeny-wiener!"

"Gifted boobs!"

"What?! No one was supposed to know about that operation! The healing woman swore to secrecy!"

"She didn't swear enough."

"I hate you, fish-lips!"

"Alanna lover!"

Sometime later, a Princess from the Copper Isles came to Court. She was immediately introduced to Delia, who was to be her tutor.

"Why do I have to tutor her? She looks smart, she doesn't need me!" Delia whined to the messenger.

"Hi, my name is Josiane!" the Princess happily chattered.

"Well, you see, there is a slight problem with her…" the messenger said nervously.

"Hi, my name is Josiane!" she repeated. Delia stared at her.

"Is that all she can say?" Delia choked.

"She doesn't speak Common. All she knows is that phrase. It's the only thing that she's said the whole time she's been here and it's really starting to annoy everyone. They decided that someone should teach her how to speak it. So they drew names out of a hat-"

"WHAT!?!?!"

"It's a perfectly fair way to decide things," the messenger said hastily.

"Hi, my name is Josiane!"

Delia slapped her hand to her forehead as the messenger fled to be free. "Oh, Gods! This is going to be the worst time of my life! First Roger won't turn Alanna into a boy, and now I have to work with this twit!"

"Hi, my name is Josiane!" the Princess smiled sweetly.

"It's like having a really annoying, stupid, big-chested bimbo here. One that isn't smart enough to understand what you're saying, and is so selfish and vain that she only thinks of herself! How can I live with this?!?!" Delia said, not realizing the irony of her statement. "Come on, Josie! Come on! We need to go somewhere! Come on, girl!" 

Josiane followed Delia like a little puppy to her room, where they began the Princess' Common lessons instantly. It was 5 hours later when a knock on the door sounded and Roger poked his head in.

"Delia, I need to talk to you," he said, then noticed Josiane. "Who is that?"

Delia stood up and said bubbly, "This is Josiane of the Copper Isles! I get to teach her Common!" She looked at Josiane. "Say something, Josie!"

"Do you have a bitch?" Josiane asked, looking very proud of herself. Roger's eyes went as wide as his abnormally large feet.

"What are you teaching her, Delia!? You'll have her beheaded if she says that to the King!" Roger yelled.

"She means female dog."

Josiane continued. "Does your bitch know Shang?" Roger glared at Delia.

"What? I didn't do anything wrong!" Delia said.

"I have a bitch, too," she chattered. "Mine likes women."

Roger pulled Delia out of the room, muttering something about finding a new Common tutor. "Delia, I have some news for you."

"What is it? Is my hairline receding?"

"NO! LISTEN FOR ONCE!" Roger boomed. Delia looked non-plussed, so he went on. "I'll turn Alanna into a boy _after _I'm finished killing her, but you have to promise me something."

"Oh, yay! You'll do it! Just for me!" Delia clapped her hands and did a little jig, heedless of the "_after_" part. 

"I said that you have to promise me something first!" Roger said, losing patience. "You have to stab Jon for me at the Crowning ceremony if things get complicated, alright?"

"Stab Jon after you turn Alanna into a boy – gotcha," Delia said, memorizing the instructions. 

"Argh! You're hopeless!" Roger stormed off, leaving Delia a bit ticked.

"What? I was only repeating what you told me to do!" Josiane came out, still happy and cheerful.

"Are you my bitch?" she asked.

"Oh, shut up!" Delia spat.

Several months of Delia planning her and Alan's wedding later, a rumour spread that the Lioness was nearing the capital. Irrelevantly, Josiane nearly swallowed her tongue and it took 15 hits (there were 42 misses) from Delia swinging the embroidery pillow at her before she was well again. They completely forgot the incident 2 minutes later.

The end!

(Since you all know the rest of the story from there)


End file.
